A letter to my angels

September 29, 2008
Dear Nicholas and Massimo,

It’s Sunday night and I came to visit you today.. my first time back in a long time.

I am sorry about that guys.. It’s not because I don’t love you. So much has happened since I last came to visit.. I don’t even know where to begin.

I guess.. first off.. we have to thank a company called SkillSurvey and a product called Position Manager.. if it were not for either of them.. I would not be here this weekend J.

Daddy no longer works for that space company. I really liked it there..but some things had to change so Daddy got a fresh start with a new company.

Mommy is baking cookies now and she sells them. She seems to enjoy it and it makes a lot of people happy. Mommy and I both miss you very much and wish you were both with us. We think about you often and Mommy prays with your sister Ava every night .. and every night they pray for you and ask you to watch over Ava. I am sure you guys hear them and keep a watchful eye on your little sister.

Speaking of Ava.. she misses you very much. I am not sure that “miss” is the right word as she doesn’t really know enough yet. She does love you though..and I KNOW that she would love to have her two brothers with her today. Some day she will be old enough to understand and we will explain it all to her.

I came to visit you twice in two days.. can you believe it? I am so afraid that a long time will pass before I can come out again that I wanted to come sit with you a second day..so I stopped by on my way back to San Diego today.

I wanted to leave something for you guys, but I couldn’t think of anything.. sad.. I know.
Knowing that you are my sons.. I figured flowers wouldn’t do… I thought of leaving you a football .. considering it was that time of year.. but I couldn’t find one…. Daddy just didn’t come prepared. I didn’t know what I would feel when I finally got to you.. I didn’t know what to do..

When I got to you on Saturday afternoon.. the sprinklers were on.. Thankfully they were JUST out of reach so I could sit and talk to you. It was weird.. I was happy to finally be out in CA so that I could sit with you..but It felt weird with out having mommy with me.
Mommy really wants to come out and see you as well.. and I will do everything I can to get her out to CA.

Daddy has to go now boys.. I have to get some sleep so that I can be ready for work tomorrow. I love you and miss you..and wish I could have done something to keep you here with mommy and I.

Love you..
Dad

Video Gaming ain't all that bad...

Aight people.. I have a confession to make...

I'm 36 years old... a family man.. a business professional ....

and yes... I play video games.

I got my start back when I was just an ankle biter and my Mom and Dad bought me Pong.. Oh yeah.. I said it.. PONG ! Then it was Atari... then Nintendo... then Sega... then PlayStation... and now I own an XBOX 360.

So far though.. you are probably thinking.. so what.. I've done all that too.. but I bet I can one up most of my readers. I don't stop at just console games. I am one of those guys that buys his home computers around the PC's gaming capabilities. If the PC can't run today's greatest FPS (First person shooters for you noobz) or if it can't handle WoW in window mode while I'm surfing porn... I mean YouTube in another window.. I don't want it.. !!

But thats not the point of my story.. I wanna tell you about something that's pretty damn cool that most people who don't understand PC gaming will probably never get... nor will they ever experience..

About 9 or 10 years ago.. my addiction to PC gaming began.. it began with a game called RavenShield. This was by far the most addictive video game I have ever played and it was the one that got me hooked.. most likely for life.

I joined a clan... A clan is an online gaming community where a bunch of people get together to form a virtual team to play against other clans in tournaments and leagues (held online) in their game of choice.

I could literally write pages about this whole thing.. but to spare you all I am going to just write about one small part that I think you will all appreciate. Over the years .. video games have taken a beating in some circles.. too violent ! too racy ! deters kids from exercise.. or whatever..

But one thing you won't see on the news or in the papers is that you can actually form friendships through video gaming.

10 years ago I was playing RavenShield online.. running around in a virtual world shooting guys (and girls) who were on an opposing team trying to eliminate my squad. I ended up on a squad with a guy who's online name was "Napalm". Napalm was a member of a clan called "DNS" or Dirt Nap Squad. He and I were chatting back and forth while playing and he asked me if I was in a clan.. I said No..

At that point I never thought I would join one.. I thought it was "weird".. but then I was thinking.. this kid is pretty cool and these guys all seem like they are having fun.. so when he asked me if I wanted to join.. I said.."what the hell"..

I ran out to the store that weekend and bought myself a headset with a mic on it.. and that night I was online, playing a video game, with a bunch of guys I would never meet face to face.. just shooting the shit.. and playing a video game. It was an instant bond that was soo frickin weird.. but strangely comforting.. It was like the first day at a new school.. you are all there for a common purpose and you don't know each other..but yet it's pretty easy to introduce yourself and start a conversation.. etc.

Well anyway.. here we are 10 years later and I am still in a clan.. Now it's "A4D".. Appetite for Destruction. My online handle is "Max".. the same as my pen name here on the Blog.

Max actually comes from "Maximus" the hero of the movie "Gladiator". I thought that was a cool name... bad ass.. no one would want to mess with "Max".. in real life.. or in a video game.

The cool part of all this is that over the past 10 years.. I am still gaming with some of the very same guys that I met on that first weekend.. Maro, Wallace, Bradawg, Prodigy, Reaper.. they were all guys from my first Clan experience.. I am still gaming with these guys today..10 years later.. we are in the new clan and I have made some new friends along the way .. Mofo, Onlyone, Merc, SixpointBuck, Decoy, Cop, Snags, Wolf, Rambone, ... I could go on...

Whats amazing to me.. and it dawned on me tonight.. is that some of these guys I have known for TEN YEARS.. I have only seen pictures of these guys.. I have NEVER met one of them in person.. I know their voices well.. and I feel like I know some of them better than I know people I work with.. weird huh..

During those 10 years I have moved from PA to CA and back again.. I have bought a house, sold a house and bought another.. I have changed jobs 3 times, had children and lost children, lost family members and welcomed new ones.. and many other life events.. and one thing that has remained constant .. is this group of guys (and a few gals)..

I have shared some pretty personal stuff with these guys... I have vented to them about stuff that bothers me.. I have listened to many of them vent as well.. offered advice to some and taken some as well..

This group of adult men, family men, guys with real lives and real jobs.. have offered their prayers when needed... laughed when appropriate and were just there to listen too. These are traits that are often not there with people we call friends and family in "real life"..

The picture you see above is my Avatar in the Clan forums.. The Avatar is supposed to be a picture that matches your online persona. Mine is special.. that picture is Max... the new Max.. Max from about 5 years ago when my online name changed forever..

You see.. when my son Max died.. 5 days after birth.. back in 2003, I wanted to have something to help me remember him .. So I shortened my online name from Maximus to Max. It wasn't complete so I asked my buddy Mofo (who is GREAT with photoshop) to create an Avatar for me. I left it up to him and his creativity.. I just asked him to help me out by giving me an Avatar that matched my name and the story behind it..

When he gave me this Avatar.. he said to me "This is what I thought your son would look like if he was gaming with us today"...

To this day.. that thought still makes me well up inside.. a guy who I have never met.. only talked to online over the past 10 years ... thought enough of me to put real thought and creativity into this little task.... and it's gonna stay with me forever..

Next time you hear a politician suggesting that Video games are messing up our youth.. think again...

LMo's World: Liberal Hypocracy

LMo's World: Liberal Hypocracy

I liked some of what I saw on LMO's blog.. you might too.. check it out

Whats the difference between a Pitbull and a Hockey Mom?

LIPSTICK !

Wow.. I'm not a big political guy for sure... but over the last few years I have become more aware of whats going on around us. I guess having a kid and more than my fair share of responsibility has brought all that to light.

Anyway.. I have been apathetic to this current presidential race for a long time. I knew I didn't like Obama.. but I wasn't exactly enamoured with gimpy McCain either. the more I listen to the radio on my way to work..and the more I read.. the more and more I had been paying attention.. desperately looking for someone or something to believe in as November rapidly approaches.

It was funny.. just the other day I asked my carpool mate ( his name is Stee Ring Wheel FYI) .. why the hell can' t we find a friggin politician that we can "like" ?

I mean "like" the same way you like that friend that is easy to talk to.. the one that makes you laugh and the one you WANT to hang out with because they are straight talkers and they don't ever blow smoke up your ass..

Why can't we have a Politician that stands up there and says.. "you know what? You are right.. our Economy is in the shitter... and it's clogged BIG TIME.. Now, I'm no plumber.. but I'm the President of the United States and I'll get the best damn plumber your tax dollars can buy"

I would appreciate that.. really.

Oh well.. I digress

The reason for tonight's post is to tell you that I think I fell in love last night...

Oh yeah.. I am smitten with Sarah Palin.. She loves guns.. she loves hockey.. her kids are adorable and you can tell she loves them.. She hunts and likes to fish.. but above all.. she talked TO us last night.. not down at us..

When I first heard that McCain picked a relative no name candidate to be his VP.. and then saw it was a woman .. I immediately thought it must be some kind of political ploy..someone to counter Hilary.. bla bla bla..

But remember.. I don't follow politics as much as I follow.. say.. Fantasy Football ! I can probably recite Terrell Owens' work out regimen ... but until last night I couldn't tell you the first thing about Sarah P.

So.. I had to go OLD SCHOOL to form my opinions.. I actually had to tune in to the TV and listen to what she had to say..

I swear... this is no joke..at one point, she had me laughing..another, almost crying..then, cheering.. and over all, feeling good.

It made me think almost immediately of Ronnie Reagan. He was the last president that made me feel good to listen to him speak.. and I was almost too young to rightfully remember him.

I know she is "only" the VP nominee.. but for me anyway.. she breathed some life back into the presidential race!

Why is life so friggin fragile?

You have to be a glutton for punishment to survive in this world! I am not sure I get it..

Why do our parents not teach us about how fragile life is when we are young? Why do they let us grow up thinking we are invincible until we grow old? Why are we allowed to eat at McDonald's, drink soda, consume candy like it's our rite, watch TV for hours on end, eat ice cream at midnight.. and all that crap?

Why don't our parents tell us that if you don't take care of your body you are setting yourself up for early retirement... and I don't mean from work.. I mean from LIFE?

I guess as I think about it.. they probably don't tell us that for a number of reasons..

For instance:

1.) Why build our fragile minds on a foundation of paranoia?

2.) If what I am saying is true.. then perhaps they believe we should live our young lives to the fullest?

3.) They already know how challenging life gets as an adult.. so maybe they feel we should indulge ourselves while we can.

4.) Or maybe it's because they know when we get to be teens we are probably going to hate them so they might as well buy our love now (Just kidding mom!)

5.) ??

I'm sure there are many reasons..

The cause of my cynicism has many roots.. August marks the anniversary of the death of my two sons.. Nicholas and Massimo. It's been 5 years now.. so my coping has morphed many fold over the years.. it's becoming less of a mourning process for me and more of a calendar event.. a reason for me to feel a bit sorry for myself.. a reason for me to reflect a little harder on how unfair life can be.. a reason for me to look around at my family and friends and tearfully thank GOD for the fact that I have such a strong and wonderful support network.

I have lots of little things that remind me of my loss.. I never want to forget.. talk about a glutton. I want to be reminded of my loss.. I wear it like a badge of honor sometimes.. and yet I have no idea why.. is that f**kin sick or what? I write about it too.. a lot.. I think I do that because I want people to feel sorry for me.. and yet in the same breath I tell folks that I don't want them to feel bad or sorry for me... but strangely I do.

I guess that makes me human.. I don't know.

There are some good things that came out of this though..

I love my daughter even more than I ever thought humanly possible.. my wife and I have grown a lot closer as a result.. I have a new (and better) outlook on life and living my life.. and I think I have even grown closer to God...(I'm no angel.. I won't go that far).. but closer none the less.

I don't get as pissed off about things as I used too (hopefully that won't effect my posts here :).. when you lose a child.. how much more of a curve ball can life throw?

Anyway.. lets not forget how I started this little missive.. I was talking about the fragility of life.. and I found a way to normalize things.. but in the spirit of volatility .. life will rarely show mercy...

Here is proof:

Today a 33 year old cousin of mine suffered from a massive heart attack... In the past 6 months a 34 year old dear friend of mine was diagnosed with Breast cancer... etc.. etc.. etc..

"No one said life was fair" "Such is life" "No one said life was easy"

Yeah yeah.. I know.. but I don't have to like it

Tailgaiting A-holes !

Wow.. what a way to start off my first RANT.. this one is a doosie. Tailgating.. why do people find it necessary to do this? I'm not talking about what you do before a sporting event either..

I'm talking about the nail biting situation when you are traveling over 60mph on a crowded highway and some jerk-off in a big, honkin SUV comes barreling down your lane and latches on to your rear like a baby monkey.

This morning at approx 7:30am.. I'm doing my usual commute down the PA Turnpike and there is a steady stream of cars for at least a mile or two. I am leaving approx 1-2 car lengths between me and the guy in front of me.. and in front of him is about 15 other cars all doing about the same.

I look into my rear-view and I see this gas guzzling SUV getting cozy in my trunk. All I can see is the grill and the head lights.. I sped up a little just so I can see the driver's nose hairs.. THAT is how close this guy was.

Of course he is on his cell phone and he's swerveing back and forth like he's had a few too many RedBull and Vodkas for breakfast. At first.. I was ready to give him a mulligan, due to the fact that he was trying to multi-task. Who am I to fault a guy for being on his cell phone while driving? Hell, I have been guilty of sending Blackberry messages while driving.. BUT NOT while trying to inspect a tail-pipe at the same time.

So I tried my usual tactics to get him to back off.. tap the brakes.. overly exaggerate calling him out in the mirror.. nuttin ! This guy was on cloud nine.. so I finally found a break in the other lane and I jumped over.. I tried to stare him down when he drove past..but he was oblivious.. smiling away .. like he was listening to a good joke..

The guy just kept on going.. smelling bumpers as he weaved in and out of traffic until I lost sight of him.

What the hell gets into people like that? How do you handle those kinds of things?
I KNOW im not the only road rage candidate out there.. I'll tell you another funny story about one of my wife's run ins with a tailgaiter later.. but right now.. I wanna hear what YOU have to say.

Introduction to Don't Worry, I'll Say it !

Hello everyone !

Today is your lucky day..

I am launching my master experiment and you shall be my guinea pigs.

I hope to bring a little sunshine into your otherwise dreary lives, by laying out my thoughts on a whole variety of topics.

I am not a professional writer.. I don't belong to any special groups or affiliations.. I am not famous or special in any way.. well.. maybe I am a little special.. but you get the point.

The purpose of this blog is to bring some perspective on life ... from me - to you !

I am going to choose random topics.. average, regular Joe kind of topics and expound on them in an attempt to bring some levity to your day (or night... or if you don't sleep and are confused.. then ... you're screwed and might as well just read anyway).

If I am doing this right... I will often pick topics that you find yourself laughing at the mere fact that someone is taking (read Wasting) their time to write about in the first place. Don't get me wrong.. I may actually choose a "real" topic.. but I will try to put my spin on it and see if you all agree ... or better yet.. if you disagree.. I wanna hear it!

I want to create a forum that allows me to say things that I often find myself saying only to my steering wheel while sitting in traffic on my way to work. Things that after I think about them a while I find funny and often wonder if others would too.. so you can now be the judge .. (lucky you)

Regards,

Max