You have to be a glutton for punishment to survive in this world! I am not sure I get it..
Why do our parents not teach us about how fragile life is when we are young? Why do they let us grow up thinking we are invincible until we grow old? Why are we allowed to eat at McDonald's, drink soda, consume candy like it's our rite, watch TV for hours on end, eat ice cream at midnight.. and all that crap?
Why don't our parents tell us that if you don't take care of your body you are setting yourself up for early retirement... and I don't mean from work.. I mean from LIFE?
I guess as I think about it.. they probably don't tell us that for a number of reasons..
For instance:
1.) Why build our fragile minds on a foundation of paranoia?
2.) If what I am saying is true.. then perhaps they believe we should live our young lives to the fullest?
3.) They already know how challenging life gets as an adult.. so maybe they feel we should indulge ourselves while we can.
4.) Or maybe it's because they know when we get to be teens we are probably going to hate them so they might as well buy our love now (Just kidding mom!)
5.) ??
I'm sure there are many reasons..
The cause of my cynicism has many roots.. August marks the anniversary of the death of my two sons.. Nicholas and Massimo. It's been 5 years now.. so my coping has morphed many fold over the years.. it's becoming less of a mourning process for me and more of a calendar event.. a reason for me to feel a bit sorry for myself.. a reason for me to reflect a little harder on how unfair life can be.. a reason for me to look around at my family and friends and tearfully thank GOD for the fact that I have such a strong and wonderful support network.
I have lots of little things that remind me of my loss.. I never want to forget.. talk about a glutton. I want to be reminded of my loss.. I wear it like a badge of honor sometimes.. and yet I have no idea why.. is that f**kin sick or what? I write about it too.. a lot.. I think I do that because I want people to feel sorry for me.. and yet in the same breath I tell folks that I don't want them to feel bad or sorry for me... but strangely I do.
I guess that makes me human.. I don't know.
There are some good things that came out of this though..
I love my daughter even more than I ever thought humanly possible.. my wife and I have grown a lot closer as a result.. I have a new (and better) outlook on life and living my life.. and I think I have even grown closer to God...(I'm no angel.. I won't go that far).. but closer none the less.
I don't get as pissed off about things as I used too (hopefully that won't effect my posts here :).. when you lose a child.. how much more of a curve ball can life throw?
Anyway.. lets not forget how I started this little missive.. I was talking about the fragility of life.. and I found a way to normalize things.. but in the spirit of volatility .. life will rarely show mercy...
Here is proof:
Today a 33 year old cousin of mine suffered from a massive heart attack... In the past 6 months a 34 year old dear friend of mine was diagnosed with Breast cancer... etc.. etc.. etc..
"No one said life was fair" "Such is life" "No one said life was easy"
Yeah yeah.. I know.. but I don't have to like it
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4 comments:
I think having a child brings to parents a fierce protective instinct. We as parents spend the first half of a childs youth protecting them from physical and emotional harm. We want to take their pain and make it our own so they won't feel it. The second half of their youth we are blindsided by their achievements and pride in them. Even if a parent tried to tell a teen that life is full of crests and valleys they wouldn't "get it". You don't "get it" until you start to feel your own mortality and start to question life itself and its meaning.......Enjoy the good things while you can....deal with the rest one day at a time.
You are very fortunate to have had your experience/trauma bring you and your wife closer. Often this sort of thing can tear people apart.
I accused my mother once of bringing me up with rose-colored glasses because some of "life's crap" really took me by surprise when I was in my 20's. I have probably done the opposite with my son. My conclusion is that it is probably best somewhere in the middle.
How can you ever prepare someone on the concept of the "fragility of life" that you have experienced?
Reminds me of a quote:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate/beer in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO what a ride!"
Wow.. very deep insight Gang ... thank you! This is the kind of feedback that I hope my writing will evoke...
I love the last quote by the way..
You guys gotta post up your names so I know who is who !
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